Help Your Parents Downsize: A Guide for Adult Children
- Mara Clements
- May 29
- 6 min read
You may be getting to the age when your parents are beginning to want to move out of their current home and downsize to something more manageable for their older years. You probably feel the desire to help your parents downsize, but at the same time may also be intimidated by the stress of taking on such a big project with someone so close to you.
Clutter has likely piled up over decades, and decluttering can be an emotional task for both the person decluttering and the person helping them. When there’s a difference between how we interact with our environment and how a loved one interacts, we may feel stressed, resentful, or lonely.
This is probably the opposite of how we want to move in the world. So, here are my best tips for working with your parents to help them downsize while preserving your relationship along the way.
Tip 1: Reconnect through the decluttering process.
When I work with couples, my first question for clients that will be going through the decluttering and organizing process together is:
Are both of you aware that you need to make a change? Are you both willing to take the next step?
If either party is feeling hesitant to start to declutter, it is totally normal. It can be daunting! However, this is an opportunity to commit to being on the same team. You both share the same goal of decluttering, even if you may have different ideas about how to best do that.
It’s possible to see these differences as conflict, but it’s also possible to simply accept them as they are. You may even discover that you find renewed admiration for your parents as they revisit old memories, let go of troubles or worries they’ve faced in the past, and make decisions that are good for them. They may share stories that you’ve never heard before, and there’s a chance for your relationship to get even stronger by going through this process together.
Sometimes, it can take an outside perspective to shift the rigidity that occurs and open up both parties to a new potential. A fresh point of view, no strings attached, no bias, can spark a powerful change. If you think a neutral perspective could help you, click here to contact me and let me know what situation you’re going through right now.
Tip 2: Give your parents the chance to set boundaries.
Boundaries are containers that support and hold what’s important to us, a clear understanding of what’s okay and what’s not okay for us. They are parameters that lessen decision fatigue and protect us from situations we’ve learned are not healthy for us.
This is especially important in your home:
If you value peace and quiet in your home office, for example, make a list of what you need to protect the purpose and ideal function of that room. Maybe that’s scheduling your work during the two quietest hours of the day and not taking any phone calls. If you value time, maybe you simplify your filing system so you’re not wasting precious minutes searching for what you need as requests pop up throughout the day.
When we set boundaries in our home environment, we are telling ourselves the story of how we want our home to feel. This helps us feel happier and more at ease each day, so we can be more present in our relationships.
The best boundaries are a way to bring us closer to the people we love, rather than box them out.
We can be grateful when our loved ones set boundaries for how they want to live their life, because it means that we will be able to love them better, and they’ll be in a healthier place when we spend time with them.
For that reason, helping your parents downsize is the perfect chance to appreciate the opportunity it gives them to set boundaries for themselves. Try getting to the bottom of how they want to feel in their new space, and help them bring only the things that truly serve them into their future.
Once you’ve scheduled it in, begin envisioning how you want to feel when you walk into that space or open that cupboard. How would you like it to function ideally? When the day comes to start the editing process, that vision will be the foundation for your next steps.
You can also contact me to schedule a time to help you get started on this process– I always ask my decluttering clients what’s important to them before we begin.
Boundaries are a self-care habit, so it will take some time and grace to try new ones on for size. But it will be worth the initial effort!
Tip 3: Acknowledge the fears surrounding decluttering.
Of course de-cluttering can be scary! We attach meaning to nearly every dish and picture frame and hand towel because there’s usually a story behind it. So when people hear the word “decluttering,” they often hear “throwing away everything precious that I love.”
To help parents downsize, remind them that they are sifting through what they own to find what truly matters. It’s less about what you get rid of and more about what you choose to take with you into your future.
To put this into practice, know that changing our mindset around the process of decluttering starts with understanding the process. This is a life skill. It takes time and practice.
Start small. Pick one room or area that stresses you out and block out time to tackle it. You will waste more energy dragging it out and resenting it than you will scheduling a time to take care of it.
Practice being understanding of the fears that come along with decluttering. Do any of these scenarios resonate with you?
You may worry that you’ll need something after you donate it, even if you haven’t used it in several years.
A gift from your grandparents or in-laws could sit for years without seeing the light of day because you’re afraid of what they would say if you passed their gifts onto someone else.
You might think that keeping a purchase you regret will justify the fact that you made a mistake buying it.
The longer the clutter collects, the scarier the project becomes and the less likely you are to tackle something you may not be able to finish or do well.
Your parents probably share the same fears as you have in the past!
If you need professional help, find an organizer who can empathize with your fear and can encourage you to dream up what’s possible for your space. I’ve worked with all different types of personalities in all kinds of homes, so I know how to help bring your visions into reality. I’ve tested what works and what doesn’t, what saves time, what saves energy, and what inspires.
Tip 4: Use tried-and-true professional organizing methods to help parents downsize.
When you actually get started with the downsizing and decluttering work, you can try out my preferred methods for the process. I like to use a version of the Four Box Method infused with the mindfulness practice of KonMari. The four boxes (trash, donate, sell, keep) serve as inboxes for your project area and make the process run more smoothly. I’m also very fond of Mari Kondo’s suggestion to keep only the things that serve you and bring you joy.
I have a firm but compassionate approach to clearing out clutter. I am knowledgeable and confident, but I also learn from my clients. I try to discern their deeper needs and respectfully encourage them to consider other options and their benefits. You can try to do the same, or book with me to get a feel for how the process works.
Bonus Tip: Use your resources.
I have a collection of free printable PDF worksheets that can guide you along the decluttering process– no professional experience necessary! The worksheets are customized to suit different needs, such as downsizing, facing your decluttering fears, and envisioning your dream space.
You can print them out and give them to your parents as they begin the downsizing process, which they may especially appreciate if they aren’t comfortable using technology. They can share the worksheet with you when they’re finished so that you are both on the same page, saving you time in the decluttering process later on.
However, if you’re still feeling intimidated by the thought of helping parents downsize, contact me here and let me know what you’re worried about or what I can help with! I’d be happy to help both of you begin this new chapter.
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